There’s something about the middle of the night that can really rile up my thoughts.
It’s 3 a.m. My mind is working overtime. I can’t fall back to sleep.
When this happens, I’ll often grab my pillow, then go and sprawl out on the living room couch to see if a new location will help. When that doesn’t work, I come here to my little wooden desk, turn on the white lamp, and write.
Typically, I love this time of year. In a few weeks, I’ll be taking cranberry colored walks and family drives on tree-lined roads. Sampling apples and local honey. Wearing slippers and flannels. Smelling tailgate chili in the crock-pot.
But on this shadowy night, I’m feeling more gravity than release.
There are of course the usual worries weighing on my heart about my children, spouse, parents, extended family, and all that I have to get done. But tonight in the mix, more than ever before, is a mass of uncertainty for our country and the world.
White supremacists and neo-Nazi groups are slinking out of wormholes.
Firefighters are battling out-of-control wildfires.
Hurricanes are turning neighborhoods into raging rivers. Sweeping away homes. Flooding hospitals and schools. Leaving nursing home residents stranded in wheelchairs with murky waters up to their waist. Pulling loved ones below the swelling depths.
Countless images and viral videos of racial rants, police beatings, panicked victims, terrorist drivers plowing into crowds are scrolling daily across monitors and screens.
Self-obsessed world “leaders” with little to no empathy or remorse are smiling, waving, and shaking hands.
North Korea under the control of a ruthless 33-year-old dictator is stating that its latest test of nuclear weaponry—reported to be many times more powerful than an atomic bomb—was “a perfect success.”
And now with the recent end of an American immigration policy, hundreds of thousands of young adults who came to our country as children are no doubt having difficulty falling back to sleep right now, too—the possibility of deportation and getting torn from their families looming.
While I sit here before dawn in the comfort of home with my weighted thoughts, wishing for the sun, it feels as though something more than leaves is about to fall.
In these sleepless hours, I lose perspective and can’t help but wonder, is the whole darn Earth about to fall, too?
The clock tick tocks, and finally the first sign of morning emerges.
The sunrise slowly wells up. Its soft pink-golden gleam pours through the trees. I sense a slight lift in my chest. As if the light is calling me out of the fear and toward the countless reminders of prevailing goodness in the midst:
• Volunteers with trucks of food, water, blankets and clothes collected by churches, synagogues, mosques, and other community groups.
• Neighbors coming together to remove and paint over hate-spewing messages that had been sprayed on a family’s car and home.
• A 20-year-old guy named Fraser giving elderly care home residents open trailer rides behind his bike so they can once again feel the free wind in their hair.
• A woman named Lisa stopping in the aisle of a grocery store to ask an elderly man in a motorized cart with tears welling in his eyes what she can do to help.
• Two teenage coffee shop employees stopping to pray with a woman who’d told them she’d lost her husband the day before.
• A waiter sitting down at one of his tables to help feed a customer without hands.
• A surveillance video showing a police officer giving a homeless man a pair of shoes, socks, and a bedroll.
• A stadium of 70,000 football fans turning to wave to sick kids at the children’s hospital across the street.
As I pour a cup of coffee, I hear my kids stirring upstairs, alarms clocks beeping, bathroom doors locking. What will their futures hold?
Before turning on the morning news, today I lean against a window and look out first. I’m in awe of the power of a fully opened blue sky and bright sun. Together, they lift the gravity of a long night and hopes for a more peaceful, kind-hearted, and protected earth.
I’m Julie Jo Severson, mom to two teens and a tween, freelance writer, editor, and co-author of HERE IN THE MIDDLE: Stories of Love, Loss, and Connection from the Ones Sandwiched in Between.
This blog, Carvings on a Desk, is where I reconnect with my own voice swirling around in the middle.
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…. something more than leaves is about to fall… yes. I agree. Sadly, I agree. Thank you for putting your thoughts to paper so honestly.
Thanks for stopping by Melissa. I hope there’s a lot more lifting up than falling, though.
Truth! Lovely writing.
Hi Beth! Thank you SO much. It’s really wonderful to see a Bennie here!
I am so glad you included the kind selfless acts as well as the unfortunate ones. We need to read and absorb more of that. Today, our sun is blocked by smoke from wildfires to the south of us. I cannot see the mountains nor the river and when the sun does manage to break through it glows like an eery copper penny. Lately, I’ve been tossing and turning trying to get to sleep and I often don’t manage it until 2:30. Posts like yours go a long way in helping me put things into perspective and know I’m not alone. I do thank you!
Yeah, I’m constantly needing to adjust and put things in perspective. I hope a clearer day ahead for you. Thanks Kelly!
I desperately needed to hear these uplifting words and outlook this evening. My heart has been so heavy this past week. The weight continues to mound as we wait and watch for yet, another hurricane to cause destruction to so many innocent lives. The feeling of helplessness is to the point of being overwhelming… and then your entry fell into the end of my day. Your words resonate with me and make it a little easier to see the light. Thank you for making my heart a little less heavy tonight.
Oh wow. Your comment just made the time I put into writing worth it in one fell swoop. Thank you! So good to connect with others in this way. I know. Hard days. Goodness always prevails though!!!
oh friend…. you wrote what has been on my heart and bombarding my thoughts too. It’s a terrifying time, and every time I turn the news on- I literally hold my breath while waiting to hear of the latest devastation- threat- terror attack- all seeming to flood our world with a relentless rage, as if we are nearing the end.
The Bible describes the ‘end times’ with such things, and I fear we might be in it. I don’t know- And I so worry about our kids and what they will face as they are launched into the world as adults.
It all seems too much.
Your poetic descriptions and inspiring message wrap my heart with a comforting blanket of hope. There is enough good to pull us through, enough light peaking through the darkness. And the sun rises, to give us hope and renewal and a reminder that beauty is everywhere- still.
Once again, I am so deeply moved by your rich words and the depth of your perspective. Thank you, friend.
And once again, your comment and hopeful perspective rejuvenates my day and lifts the gloom. You are amazing.
I’m so glad to now be connected to you, Julie Jo! Your writing is just beautiful. I enjoyed this piece very much. I, too, am sandwiched in the middle. My mother who will be 90 this year lives with my husband and me as do our two young adult daughters – one a flight attendant here only part time and my younger daughter fresh out of college and saving to buy her own home. It’s a wonderful, lively household. I look forward to reading more of your posts!
Linda, I’m so sorry! I missed your comment somehow months ago. I truly appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to share a glimpse into your life. Wonderful to connect with you.